“In his early years as a marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman noticed over and over that couples would voice similar complaints regarding their marriage. One spouse would say something like, “I feel like he doesn’t love me. The other would protest, “I don’t know what else to do! I’m doing everything I should be doing.” Recognizing a pattern, Dr. Chapman pored through years of session notes. He asked himself, “When someone said, ‘I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me,’ what do they actually want?” Surprisingly, their answers fell into five categories, revealing a unique approach in how to effectively love another person.”
(Extract taken from the page link below)
Dr Gary Chapman is the man behind the ‘5 Love Languages’. He’s correct that relationships flourish when we can begin to understand each other.
The five love languages are the following :
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of service
- Quality time
- Physical Touch
For a brief description of each, you can go here.
When I read the book, about eight years after its original publication in 1992, I was convinced that my love languages were Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. When you dig deeper (and read the book) it’s very difficult to just pick/identify with only one. (Or even just two) But I was determined that my primary was Words of Affirmation and that a close second would have been Quality Time.
Recently, I revisited these languages, quite inadvertently. I decided independently that I was, in actual fact, a Physical Touch person. This came as quite a surprise to me – but after some careful thought and consideration, I realised that ‘timing is everything’.
I am not the girl I was back then when I first read the book and tried to determine where I was at as far as love languages went. Things change, and growth happens. Years of bad experiences and the wisdom that comes from learning because of them, as well as the wisdom of age, and many hours spent on personal growth – all those things have contributed to an adjustment in my love language.
(This also reminded me of the importance of revisiting any form of personal growth, because as we grow in wisdom, we find new lessons to be re-learnt in a different way.)
I had never actually completed the quiz part of these languages. I have now. You can too, by visiting that page. On completion of the quiz for singles (because when I read the book I was still married and my current status is that of being a single lady), it was confirmation that my earlier assumption had been correct. My love languages have changed, as I have grown.
Physical touch is indeed of most importance to me. Presence and accessibility is crucial and being touched appropriately at the right time often feeds the part of me that longs for love, security and warmth. Close on Physical Touch’s heels was Words of Affirmation. No surprise there either! Insults and criticism (not given in love) do indeed leave me feeling shattered – kind and encouraging words make my spirit soar!
It was also a bit of a surprise that the language that means the least to me (coming in at the grand total of 1) is Gifts. This love language does not deal with the material side of gift receiving – it’s the example of the right kind of attitude to receiving gifts. 😉 You thrive on the thoughtfulness, love and effort behind the gift, as opposed to the ‘value’ of the actual gift itself. When I get given a gift, those are exactly the things that bring me the most pleasure.
But when I look at this bigger picture and see all five languages all together – I would have to agree that the two that really do mean the most to me are the two where I scored the most highly. If you had told me that my primary love language was Physical Touch a month ago, I would have disagreed. Isn’t it wonderful how there are life lessons along the way that help us learn about something so very important : ourselves.
(I have discovered that under the quizzes tab there is also a quiz for learning your apology language as well as a personal anger assessment. So guess what I’m going to do now 😛 Growing pains, here I come 😉 )