The Language of Love

“In his early years as a marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman noticed over and over that couples would voice similar complaints regarding their marriage. One spouse would say something like, “I feel like he doesn’t love me. The other would protest, “I don’t know what else to do! I’m doing everything I should be doing.” Recognizing a pattern, Dr. Chapman pored through years of session notes. He asked himself, “When someone said, ‘I feel like my spouse doesn’t love me,’ what do they actually want?” Surprisingly, their answers fell into five categories, revealing a unique approach in how to effectively love another person.”

(Extract taken from the page link below)

Dr Gary Chapman is the man behind the ‘5 Love Languages’. He’s correct that relationships flourish when we can begin to understand each other.

The five love languages are the following :

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Gifts
  3. Acts of service
  4. Quality time
  5. Physical Touch

For a brief description of each, you can go here.

When I read the book, about eight years after its original publication in 1992, I was convinced that my love languages were Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. When you dig deeper (and read the book) it’s very difficult to just pick/identify with only one. (Or even just two) But I was determined that my primary was Words of Affirmation and that a close second would have been Quality Time.

Recently, I revisited these languages, quite inadvertently. I decided independently that I was, in actual fact, a Physical Touch person. This came as quite a surprise to me – but after some careful thought and consideration, I realised that ‘timing is everything’.

I am not the girl I was back then when I first read the book and tried to determine where I was at as far as love languages went. Things change, and growth happens. Years of bad experiences and the wisdom that comes from learning because of them, as well as the wisdom of age, and many hours spent on personal growth – all those things have contributed to an adjustment in my love language.

(This also reminded me of the importance of revisiting any form of personal growth, because as we grow in wisdom, we find new lessons to be re-learnt in a different way.)

I had never actually completed the quiz part of these languages. I have now. You can too, by visiting that page. On completion of the quiz for singles (because when I read the book I was still married and my current status is that of being a single lady), it was confirmation that my earlier assumption had been correct. My love languages have changed, as I have grown.

Physical touch is indeed of most importance to me. Presence and accessibility is crucial and being touched appropriately at the right time often feeds the part of me that longs for love, security and warmth. Close on Physical Touch’s heels was Words of Affirmation. No surprise there either! Insults and criticism (not given in love) do indeed leave me feeling shattered – kind and encouraging words make my spirit soar!

It was also a bit of a surprise that the language that means the least to me (coming in at the grand total of 1) is Gifts. This love language does not deal with the material side of gift receiving – it’s the example of the right kind of attitude to receiving gifts. 😉 You thrive on the thoughtfulness, love and effort behind the gift, as opposed to the ‘value’ of the actual gift itself.  When I get given a gift, those are exactly the things that bring me the most pleasure.

But when I look at this bigger picture and see all five languages all together – I would have to agree that the two that really do mean the most to me are the two where I scored the most highly. If you had told me that my primary love language was Physical Touch a month ago, I would have disagreed. Isn’t it wonderful how there are life lessons along the way that help us learn about something so very important : ourselves.

(I have discovered that under the quizzes tab there is also a quiz for learning your apology language as well as a personal anger assessment. So guess what I’m going to do now 😛 Growing pains, here I come 😉 )


Published by nopassingfancy

Nothing encourages creativity like the chance to fall flat on one's face. ~James D. Finley I am an extremely creative individual. I also have one heck of an imagination. There’s a constant war between dreams and reality in my head – I’m a realist who is a dreamer. A contradiction of sorts – but life would be boring without it. A single mother of two – single, but not desperate; adult and teen 'children'. I can be quite a Momster (what happens to Mom’s after they count to 3), but thankfully, I have a sense of humour. On a bad day, my adult child complains I am unreasonable – on a good day, I’m ‘cool’. My teen no longer thinks I am amazing, but still adores me...although no one is supposed to know. I hail from the East Coast of South Africa – a ‘little’ city with pristine beaches and a laid back feel to it. Little being the operative word. I love to write. I’m under no illusions that I’m a professional - but I enjoy it. And life is too short to NOT do the things we enjoy – at least some of them. I had hopes and dreams of becoming a famous writer one day – I’m not dead yet, so I’m on my way! I’m not a material girl, but I live in a material world – and the lack of values in this current world irritates me. I’m also not your standard “single white female” – and not just because I come with an interesting package that includes two other humans. I don’t like shopping and only do it when it becomes a necessity, my entire wardrobe can fit into a 20L backpack. There’s a lot more, but I won’t be a bore. I hope you’ll enjoy reading my blog...that I won’t just be a passing fancy, but will be a long term interest that will capture your attention.

10 thoughts on “The Language of Love

  1. Thank you so much my friend for your contribution to my blog.
    I found it really interesting and am also interested in reading the book as well as the information that was included within it.
    When you think of the language of love it is really easy to break it down into 5 forms of actions and I too am like you in many respects with my thought being that I too am a very tactile person and rely on touch to show love and reassurance.
    Thank you for taking the time to check in with me the other day and I really did and do appreciate you and your concern and act of friendship.
    I hope that you have a fun and wonderful weekend full of the richest of blessings. xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank YOU for the honour of contributing!
      Checking in our friends, whether they’re online or real life, is an important part of ‘the living’. So know that you are cared about, and would be missed 😉
      Hope you have an amazing weekend! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I totally agree with you but you are the only person that I have contact with who actually took the time to check in on me and some of the people who haven’t done are people that I work with online and I felt that the difference was really vast because you actually took the time to notice that I had been absent for a couple of days and actually checked in on me.
        This really shows to me the kind of person that you are and I felt humbled at you taking the time to reach out.
        Enjoy your weekend although I would think that Mum’s taxi will probably be a big part of that, but then it gives you the opportunity of spending quality time with your children and I am sure that they appreciate it really, even your teenage daughter. x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes, I am indeed playing taxi this weekend, as usual 😉 She has dancing exams today and tomorrow, so off we’ll go. She’s a little slow on the appreciation factor of this, but I do know that later in life she’ll look back and she’ll be flooded with it 😉
        As for checking on you? Although I don’t always get it right, I do like to be aware of the people in my life, and try and share that with them in any way I can. With you, it was a simple matter of showing that you were noticed. It’s so important for us as individuals to be reminded that we are cared for, and that we have value. You matter, Paul.
        Hope you and Kath have a wonderful weekend. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I really enjoyed reading this piece and seeing how you’ve grown in your own personal journey in life. What really stuck out to me is when you mentioned, how if you were told a month ago that physical touch was one of your love languages, you would have disagreed. You acknowledge that growth and learning about ones self can even happen over that small space of time. I agree with that. I didn’t even know until I heard you mention it, that there is an assessment for how we apologize. Who would have known?! But I am glad I found out today . Here is to ‘Growing Pains!’ 😄❤️😁

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think growing always depends on where our heart is at. If we’re receptive and in a place where we’re willing to acknowledge the bad and good and make changes, growth can be quick! (I have discovered though that this doesn’t make it less painful 😛)
      Thank you for reading 💜 and for the love. Prayers for strength if your growing journey is difficult 💜

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Glad I took the time to read this post and take the quiz. Of which the results had me as words of affirmation which is it was touch before, but touch came in second. I agree with what you wrote, time changes us, we not only learn more about the world, but we learn more about our selves which is the most important thing I think. Knowing my self had deepened and caused me to use the wisdom God gives me, it push fear out of the way and gives me courage. Because God created me for His glory and made me an extrovert who loves people. Since He knew me before my Mom even knew she was carrying me He knew what kind of home I would be born into. Knowing and understanding that has helped me forgive, face some hard trials but taught me more about His love for me. I face each day knowing He loves me and wants to use me. It’s exciting to wait for Him to show me Himself through what ever life brings my way. REally good post.

    Liked by 1 person

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