Leaving the past behind.

I have just spent a few days back in the home that I lived in when I was an adolescent after moving in with my maternal Aunt and Uncle, this is probably the first of many visits which I will undertake due to the recent parting of my uncle in April of this year.
I was visiting because of the love that I have for my Aunt, the fear of her being alone, she was married to my uncle for 58 years and they have gone through a great deal together, the difficulties of looking after me throughout both my childhood and even adulthood, my aunt having a nervous breakdown, and being hospitalised twice, my uncle and his health problems and my mental health, dealing with a dysfunctional family and my journey into alcoholism.
I have to admit though that it bought up the question of whether I should move to be nearer to her, I live a 7 hour train journey away and the cost of travelling frequently would be quite prohibitive, the difficulty is that I moved away many years ago, selfishly or not, my career, my wives and partners came first, I don’t remember a time when I felt that my Aunt’s home was home.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I chose this picture because during the most difficult times in our lives we often look for our purpose in life, our ancestry, our place of belonging, the place that we call home, my life however has been one where I don’t really identify with anywhere, my life has been so transient that I call home the place that I have lived in for the last couple of years.
What do I believe that I would achieve by returning back to Manchester and what has driven these thoughts??
I have a tendency to back myself into corners, my stubbornness doesn’t allow me to back down and whether I am right or wrong I own the outcome, people may laugh but I cannot say my life has been boring.

I have a tendency in my life to make the mistake and then try to rectify it, apologising, turning on the charm, almost beating people into submission, not literally of course, and I always believe that the outcome will be different the next time, a few months down the line I reverted back to my old ways.
Having been married 4 times and divorced 4 times during each of my marriages I have gone back and on each occasion left once more, often leaving the second time causes even more anguish and upset, a few drinks and a few nights out with someone new always seemed to do the trick, however if I went back home now to live permanently what would my life look like and what would my aunties life look like???
I have to say that in my eyes at 56 years of age my life as I know it with all the freedoms that I have, a supportive girlfriend, a few close and loyal friends, I believe that my life would be almost over before it had begun.
I also feel that it would not be good either for my aunt, there is a big difference between staying with someone for a few days and actually living with them, I think that ultimately her health would deteriorate because after all because of my love for her, I would do lots both in and out of the house to keep her comfortable.
My being with her may allow or slow down the grieving process, she may feel unable to show her feelings in front of me and this may cause more distress.

My uncle with my sister and I, my aunt and uncle with my sister and brother and I. My sister and I and me on the roof of a car.

My childhood was different from a lot of people’s and very different from my sister’s and brother, I was the eldest of 5 on my mums side and the eldest of 6 on my dad’s side, circumstances dictate that we do not see each other and many of my siblings I haven’t seen in over 30 years but life has its twists and turns.

One thing that I am certain of is that the people in my life are the people that I want in it, whatever choices that I make in life I intend to be happy and that you can be anywhere in the world today and yet you can still be close to someone, yes I accept that it takes effort, willingness on all parts and a mutual understanding.
The one thing that I know about my aunt is that she has always been very supportive and forgiving of me and only ever wants the best for me, she has only ever wanted and seen the best in me, something that at times even I have struggled with.

Published by paulguisbournehiltonalifeworthgiving

I am a 56 years old male living for the last 5 years in Pembrokeshire West Wales in the UK. I have entitled this blog along with my Facebook page as A Life worth giving because when I was growing up I was taught that the only way to get on in life was to be selfish, not even sharing sweets, books, pens or anything. I moved into adulthood with very much the same view of life and entered in my teens a life of alcohol dependency, another very selfish trait, my drinking consumed every waking moment and I saw alcohol as both my best friend and worst enemy, the only real positive was that it never let me down. Life changed for me in 1997 in the month of April when I stopped drinking and started to awaken my feelings, I found that I actually enjoyed life, enjoyed feeling although it was hard and left me feeling vulnerable yet today I am at my happiest, in a very loving relationship and life is good. A life worth giving is about my journey through life but also about being selfless and serving others willingly and with an attitude of gratitude.

4 thoughts on “Leaving the past behind.

    1. Hi Meg,
      Your comment means a great deal, I have to admit that I haven’t done much blogging over the last year or so, I haven’t really been in the best of places headwise and just not focused on anything but getting through each day.
      I’m doing OK really, the last 6 months have been difficult with the loss of my Uncle and being broken into but things are definitely beginning to improve, I’ve just moved and I’m in a more positive relationship.
      I hope that everything is going well for you and your family also and hope that your mum is settling into her new home and environment.
      My thoughts and prayers are with you also 🙏 ❤

      Like

      1. Oh Paul, I am so glad that you’re doing okay!
        As for blogging? The great thing about it is that it is always here when you’re ready to return 😉
        Getting through each day is far more important! Be brave and strong, my friend. And keep smiling.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Good morning Meg,
    Thank you for your kind comments and concern, I agree with you totally about blogging and certainly if you are doing it as a hobby then you can pick it up when you’re ready to.
    I’m feeling quite refreshed and ready for whatever the future brings.
    Take care of yourself and stay safe my friend ❤ 🙏

    Like

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